The Ancient Scroll of Knowledge is a toilet paper roll that has the rituals to calm down Melvin the volcano written on its "soft, absorbit, non-acidic, archival quality pages". It got destroyed after Coconut Fred threw it down the volcano after announcing the last ritual.

  • First ritual (false): Make funny beards out of seagull feathers.
  • First ritual (true): Eat a box full of crackers and whistle a happy song.
  • Last Ritual: One has to jump down the volcano.